5 Steps to Prevent That Big Scarlett "A"

For those of you that have no idea what the "Scarlett Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne is, I'm referring to Adultery. In a previous blog, I mentioned that the biggest reason for divorce was the everyday little annoyances in life that just build up and deteriorate the foundation that you've built. We talked a little about that foundation and a few ways to make those arguments less of a yelling contest and more of a way to communicate your feelings with one another. However, Adultery is a problem and once something like that creeps into your marriage, it can rip your marriage apart. Most outside-of-marriage sexual encounters are not just one-night stands, they usually build up slowly with friends, acquaintances, or co-workers during rough times or when one spouse is seeking something they aren't finding at home, usually a basic need, so let's look at 5 measures you as a couple can take to prevent the big "A" before it starts:

1) Honest and Open Communication - "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully... for we are all members of one body (Ephesians 4:25)." Be honest, open, and communicate your feelings and needs with one another. If you need someone to talk to, talk to your spouse, and be there for each other. Try to fulfill that need and desire in your spouse to have an emotional bond with someone. (Refer to #2 on this blog for more on communication)

2) Set Time Aside for Love-Making - Don't neglect to have sex with each other, 1 Corinthians 7:3 says, "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband." I'm not saying that you have to have sex every day, but I would say a couple times a week, and at the least once per week; this is important, especially if one person has more of a sex drive than the other. 1 Corinthians 7:5 goes on to say, "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." I know couples who have gone long periods of time without sex, and in these situations it created a longing for human contact that they seeked to fulfill elsewhere. If you and your spouse haven't had sex in over a month, someone needs to take the initiative (be the bigger person) and have sex, better yet, make love! When you do come together, remove all distractions and find a time that will work for both of you (make time; your marriage is important). Make it meaningful and make it about the other person, especially if you want it to be more of a routine thing in your marriage.

3) Appreciation and Affirmation - Have together-time and tell your spouse how great they are. Your spouse needs affirmation and edification, they need to know that they still light your fire and that those passion flames are still burning for them. It is imperative to "... comfort each other and edify one another," as we should do per 1 Thessalonians 5:11. Some ways to show appreciation and affirmation to your spouse are to:

• Create contact - touch your spouses arm or leg, run your hands through their hair, hug each other.
• Create positive thoughts - give each other cards, leave notes, tell them thank you, say something nice, give them a call, an e-mail, a text message, and truly appreciate each other.
• Be Thankful - Be truly thankful for all that your spouse does for you, and show appreciation whenever possible. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Please don't overlook this step, this fulfills one of the lowest levels of our natural human needs; you do want to fulfill your spouses needs don't you?

4) Don't Set Yourself Up For Failure - Most extramarital affairs occur due to these types of situations where one partner opens up to someone other than their spouse who starts filling their basic needs. Don't confide in a friend of the opposite sex; your spouse should be your best friend, and you should be sharing everything with him or her. If you have a special connection with another person of the opposite sex, it breaks down the trust you have in one another and works to emotionally attach you to someone other than your spouse. It's very important to not allow yourself in the situation where you could compromise yourself and your morals, so don't spend time alone with members of the opposite sex. Confide in your spouse and if you are having issues, you should really talk to your spouse or seek counseling. You don't have to break all ties with your friends, but what is more important to you, the relationship you had with some girl or guy that is your "friend", or your spouse? I'm hoping your marriage is more important to you than a past friendship that will surely fade away in years to come.

5) Constantly think of your spouse and family (positively) - Think about those things that brought you toward your spouse (make a list if you have to). Remember the vows you made and what they mean to you; why should that change now? Keep your spouse and family in your thoughts and prayers as your family should be your number one priority. Harboring good thoughts all day long helps you keep those thoughts when you come home after a bad day at work. Similarly, if you have nothing but bad thoughts, that will also show through in your communication with each other and spark arguments and conflict.

These 5 steps will help you satisfy basic needs in your marriage, and help ensure these bonds are built with you and your spouse while strengthening these bonds.

I hope that all helps out... feel free to respond.