5 Ways to Bring Sexy Back

Sorry for ripping off your title JT.

Has your sex life with your spouse dwindled down to a dull roar? Does the idea of sex with your spouse give you a "headache"? Here are 5 ways you can bring "sexy" back into your marriage.

1) Entice your spouse: Leave notes, whisper in your spouses ear how much you want them, and show affection through touch. Men are like light switches when it comes to getting turned on, but your wife needs a little bit more 'umph'... like a lawn mower on a cold day, she takes a little bit to get going. So, get the thought into your spouses head early in the day and keep it going til she's ready for some loving.

2) Have dates: Try and have time together (without the kids) where you and your spouse can date again. Go out to dinner or watch a movie and make it nice. All too often we get into the routine of going out to dinner with the kids in our blue jeans and calling that a date... it's not. Dress up, get your hair done, get your spouse flowers, wear sexy underwear... whatever. This is a date with the love of your life and make it good and keep in mind step 1 during the date (don't fight or argue, keep things calm, this is a date).

3) Get in shape: Get a gym membership, elliptical, treadmill, Pilate's, whatever... but start working out and it's amazing how much more attractive you begin to feel and look. Become more confident in yourself and it will do wonders for you with your spouse. If your spouse is working out, take notice and compliment them.

4) Show Affection and Appreciation routinely: Buy/pick flowers, buy/make a card, give your spouse a call from work. Let your spouse know that you love them. Tell them they're beautiful/handsome and remind them how great they look and how much they turn you on. Thank them for what they provide and bring to the table.

5) Communicate and Respect your spouse: Let them know your desires and try to spice things up a bit and let them know how you feel. Foreplay is important; you should be comfortable enough with one another to really communicate and improve your love-life by working together to satisfy each other, but respect each other when it comes to boundaries. Remember, Love is not self seeking, nor does it delight in evil, so never do or expect something that would cause you and your spouse to stumble in your walk with God (1 Cor 10, 1 Cor 13).

Remember, these are all things to consider with your spouse and not all inclusive, as I am assuming that your sex is dwindling due to time and not infidelity or other medical problems. If you are having other types of issues seek medical help or advice from counselors or pastors.

5 Levels of Needs

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Abraham Maslow, Motivation and Personality, 2nd ed., Harper & Row, 1970

In many of my blogs I mention fulfilling your spouses needs, and how communication, intimacy, affection, affirmation are all basic needs of your spouse. In my years going through communication, psychology, and organizational leadership training and classes, I've come across Maslow's Hierarchical needs on many occasions. How is this important to a marriage? People must have certain needs met, and part of your job as a spouse is to help your partner meet those needs. The above diagram is how I remember seeing it for the most part, but it has since expanded into 8 needs, but we'll stick to the 5 basic needs. The idea behind the pyramid is that the lower level needs must be fulfilled or our focus will be diverted to fulfilling them while forgetting about any levels above. This can be a problem in a marriage, especially since the need for love and relationships is on level 3 of the pyramid.

Level 1: Physiological Needs - These include hunger, thirst, sleep, and air, which are all basic needs that we need to survive. Sex has been added between the 1970 picture that I have shown and now, since it is now seen as a basic and necessary need and not just a desire. Obviously, the first set of needs are being provided by you working and "bringing home the bacon," but sex is just as basic of a need that is necessary to a persons essential being, (however not essential to living, it has shown health benefits) and plays an integral role in satisfying the basic needs in a marriage. Another aspect of physiological needs can be finances. To satisfy your hunger, thirst, and sleep areas of this need, you will need to ensure that provisions are in order and that the fear of losing the fulfillment of this need is not a problem. Sit down with one another and work out a budget, minimize spending, and get help if necessary, or this will be the only need on your mind until you get a little more stability in this area.

Level 2: Safety Needs - Your partner also needs some sort of security needs met, which can include physical security, but your spouse also wants to feel safe with you, and remain in a safe environment when you are together. If you remove them from a safe environment or make them feel unsafe when you get angry, you are taking away this basic need in their life. If you are having problems with a spouse that makes you feel unsafe, please get help (Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and if you are immediate danger dial 911). For further information visit http://www.ndvh.org/. If you live in a bad neighborhood, maybe installing an alarm system could help you feel safe and satisfy that need.

Level 3: Social Needs - You and your partner need to communicate with one another, but this also includes intimacy and affection as I've mentioned this in a previous blog. It's also important that you create contact, and show affection such as hugging and kissing. Your spouse needs to feel wanted and desired and that he/she belongs with you and that you belong with them. Your spouse needs an outlet, and it is best for your marriage if you provide them that basic need of conversation and affection within your marriage.

Level 4: Esteem Needs - This is where the mutual edification comes into practice that I mentioned in this blog under point number 3. This also includes recognition, which means more than just saying "Thank You", but showing true appreciation for what your spouse brings to the proverbial table. Your spouse also needs to know that you are attracted to them, that you think more of them than someone who makes the money, watches the kids, or takes out the trash to name a few.

Level 5: Self Actualization - In the final level of the pyramid, you and your spouse are able to realize or actualize their dreams. The idea is that need levels 1 through 4 have to be met prior to you and your spouse seeking to meet this highest level need. According to http://www.businessballs.com/maslow.htm only 2% of the worlds population ever attain this level. Don't hold your partner back from acheiving their dreams, so you must fulfill their basic needs first.

5 Important Aspects of Communication

I've mentioned communication before in both the building the foundation and conflict resolution blogs, and I'm mentioning it again, because open lines of communication between the husband and wife will help make your marriage-life flow smoother and reduce stress on the marriage. My inspiration for this section is from James 1:19, "...be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." Expanding off that, here are some ideas to help make your communication easier and better. Refer to both the previous blogs as they are helpful, but here are 5 important aspects of proper communication with your spouse:

1) Remove Barriers to Communication: Communication involves a sender, a receiver and a message. When talking with your spouse and things seem to get heated, it may be because one person is not receiving the message properly. There are multiple stumbling blocks that can interfere with the receiver properly hearing the message, ranging from voice, language barriers, and noise, but you need to adapt and overcome. The best way to communicate important issues is to set down face-to-face with no distractions. If you find times that your husband or wife is not getting your message, don't get upset, figure out what is blocking your message from your receiver and remove the obstacle if possible, or wait until an appropriate time when the distraction is no longer a problem. For instance, trying to talk when washing the dishes or vacuuming is a bad idea. If you are watching television mute or turn off the television if you have "important" things to say.

2) Actively Listen: Listening involves more than just hearing. Pay attention and let the message sink in, rather than just thinking of what you are going to say next. Communication should not be one sided, as it should involve two people, so if you find yourself controlling the conversation maybe it's time for you to switch to listening mode. Again, one person talks the other one listens and alternate.

3) Don't Interrupt: Give each other an ample amount of time to talk about something; one person talks the other one listens without interrupting. This goes along with rule 2, and do everything you can to not interrupt as this shows respect for the message that your partner is trying to convey, while interrupting just increases tensions. If you don't show respect, it's hard to receive it and hold people to not interrupting you when its your turn to speak. Remember the Golden Rule, Luke 6:31, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

4) Do not allow yourself to get angry: Try to remain calm and maintain the situation calm. If things get heated, cool down and try to discuss it after things settle down a little. "A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel," Proverbs 15:18.

5) Acknowledge the speaker: Show your partner that you are listening by actively participating in the conversation rather than just saying, "mmm hmm," try to provide some feedback that shows that you are not only hearing but have something to add, but remember rules 2 and 3. Proverbs 15:1, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Hope this helps... Feel free to respond and add to this conversation.

5 Foundations to Building a Strong Marriage

Check out eharmony's research on the top reasons for divorce.
http://www.eharmony.com/labs/blog/2007/11/stay_married/

Can you believe that everyday issues were at the top of the list?

Don't let menial things destroy your marriage. You need to build your marriage on a proper foundation. Before you build a house, you have to lay the foundation. The same is true for a marriage as well. What is this foundation I'm talking about, read these 5 foundations of a healthy marriage to help prevent you from being a statistic.

1) Have realistic expectations: You can't just say, "I do" and expect magic to happen; you've got to have realistic expectations. Don't go into a marriage expecting to change the person or thinking that the person will change, because that is the person you are marrying and they're NOT going to change. You know who you're marrying now, don't be upset if they're still the same person 5 years from now. The marriage ceremony will not make your marriage better; a grandiose wedding ceremony does not equate to a better marriage. I've known people who spent hundred's of thousands of dollars and were divorced within 9 months; they couldn't even make it a year, so believe me a wedding ceremony doesn't make a better marriage. Think about what marriage is to you, ask your partner what they think marriage is. Talk about your notions and expectations before you decide to marry one another. Are your expectations realistic? Before things get too heated, read the next item.

2) Communication and Intimacy: I've heard the statement "God, gave you 2 ears and 1 mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you speak." There is a lot of truth to that, think about it, if you listened and truly listened to your spouse, how much more in-tune do you think you'd be to his/her emotions. Listening also gives you a chance to receive the true message that your partner is trying to convey; all too often the message is lost during transmission and we jump to conclusions before we've even finished processing the information. Listening doesn't involve just your ears either. How many times have you asked someone, "What's wrong," only to get a, "nothing" in response? If you only heard the word, “nothing” then you probably just said, “Okay,” and walked away. This may have worked when you were dating, but not-so-much now. There’s more to communication than just listening, if you’ve ever taken any sort of public speaking or communication classes then you may have heard of the 7-38-55% rule, where the words we say account for 7% of the message we are trying to convey, tone of voice accounts for 38%, and our gestures and actions actually make up over half of the message. Go back to the situation where you ask your husband or wife, “What’s wrong,” they say nothing. Look at their body cues and posture and their facial expressions; body-language is a huge component of communication.
I know this next part is probably not really thought of as communication, but we've just discussed that communication is 55% of body language, so I think that sex is a huge part of communication. How long would your marriage last if you and your spouse didn't talk for 1 month, or 3 months? On the same note, how long do you think it will last if you don't have sex for 1 month, 3 months, or even 9 months or more? No, you're right, but there are a lot of people that I know who try to make a marriage work without having sex with each other for months at a time, even years. It's no wonder things end disastrously. Men and women both need this sexual contact and intimacy with one another, so don't doom your relationship by turning down sex every night (especially out of anger or a fight), but there are times when you should agree to not have sex. It should be something that both partners want when having it, but every once in a while you've got to take one for the team and have sex, that is if you want your marriage to work. I've heard the excuse, we just don't have time, but I tell you that you need to make time, try to set up a date with each other for at least one night a week where you can spend this intimate time together and strengthen your lines of communication. Part of communication is listening and being in-tune with your partners needs and desires not just talking.

3) Congruent Belief-System or Moral Standards: I'm not saying that you both have to be Catholic, or whatever belief system you may be, but a lot of times problems start in the marriage when you have two different sets of belief systems. Especially when children are brought into the mix and one person wants to participate in certain rituals and rites that the other person may not hold dear. Here you have to really weigh why you want your child to go through a certain ceremony, or why not. If you aren't married and don't have kids, now would be a good time to talk about your expectations in these matters (see number 1 and while talking refer to number 2). Another important aspect of congruent belief-system is does your partner have the same idea about what marriage is, what about relationships outside of marriage? If you go into a marriage with a skewed idea of marriage and don't have the same moral standards when it comes to sexual relationships outside of marriage what will prevent this person from doing so. If you know where your partner stands on these certain issues then it shouldn't become a problem down the road. Remember, you can't change your partner, nor should you expect your partner to change after you are married. If your partner is an Atheist and you're a Protestant, don't expect your partner to all of a sudden start going to church with you, or quit going to church if you're the Atheist. You know who you're marrying this falls back on number 1 (don't expect your partner to change), so you should talk about where you stand on certain issues so that they shouldn't be a problem in the future; go through major components of your beliefs and moral code and discuss: marriage, sex, children, and anything that you think of that could be a problem. If your partner can't change that aspect of their life or come to some sort of compromise or there aren't any alternatives, and you're already married you will have adapt and overcome. If you're not married and no compromises can be met, maybe you should think about what type of toll this could put on your relationship in the future if this situation were to arise (remember you know your partner now, they will not change after you are married); you're not breaking God's covenant if you decide not to get married, it's better to back out before and be judged by people, then to back out after and be judged by God.

4) Unity: When two people become married, they should now act as 1. In Genesis, the bible speaks of 2 people leaving their parents, it uses the word cleave, which is to cut off. This means cut-off the ties and the reigns your parents had, as you are now your own family and are responsible only to each other and God. I'm not saying avoid your parents completely, but they shouldn't have any sort of rules over you and your spouse, and when you have problems, you should not seek them for comfort as this has many times turned one spouse against another; if you need to seek some help, find a pastor or counselor.

5) Self-Sacrifice and Submission: Now that you are a married couple you must quit putting yourself first and put your husband/wife first. You must submit to each other; no that doesn't mean to become their slave, but going back to communication, which is probably one of the most important aspects of making a marriage work, you must be in-tune with your partners needs and be willing to work with them and compromise toward satisfying each other. Not everything needs to be a compromise or a negotiation, but if you've ever taken communication classes or management classes you may have talked about negotiating; you are looking for the win-win situations in everything that you absolutely must "negotiate," but every once in a while you will have to take one for the team or compromise. That's what you are now as a married couple, a team. I don't know any teams that want to lose... I hope you aren't setting your team up for failure.

Please feel free to comment and add some value to the conversation.