Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

First of all, I don't usually watch this show, and you're probably wondering how this will fit into marriage, but it does.

I came home from work today and Jodi had the show on, so I started watching it. I usually hate this show, cause there's always crying people, and I don't know what it is about crying people, but why would I want to watch that? Well, needless to say, I was actually interested (people crying and all). They had a an Army person who has been serving over in Iraq for our country. Well, you're probably thinking "yah ... there's thousand of guys over there, and tons of them have families and issues at home, why is this guy getting a huge house over everyone else," but still it was awesome to see this story of appreciation toward those that serve.

Toby Keith came on and sang, "American Soldier," to a bunch of army men and women. Every time I hear that song it really gets to me. I can't really consider myself a soldier, but I did serve my country, and the song has always given me that little lump in the back of my throat out of the respect behind the words. If you didn't know, I was in the Navy for 9 years. While listening to the song, I start thinking about this guy having to go back to Iraq under intense conditions. Then I think about his wife and family and the other soldiers' wives and families, it gets me to think about the sacrifice of soldiers every day, which is why I love that song. Toby Keith understands, maybe not through personal experience, but he understands how much military personnel must sacrafice for their country, the sweat, the tears, and the hard work. "Freedom don't come free," that's for sure Toby.

I also have a lot of respect for the military wives. It's not just the soldiers that have the hard job, but the wives who keep order and are basically a single parent for 3 months, 6 months, a year or longer. They have to worry about their children and their husband off at war. Luckily, when I was in the military, the longest I had ever been away from my wife and kid (only had one kid at the time I was on sea duty) was a little over 3 months, but I know it was still hard on her, and I respect her for that. But, I also knew that I couldn't make Jodi go through that again or for much longer (which is part of the reason why I'm no longer in the military); it's very stressful and hard on a marriage. I'm glad that there are people serving our country and continue to do so, and it was cool to see this story and the appreciation shown to these soldiers who have been at war, who continue to fight for you and for me despite the stress it puts on them, their home life, and family life. To everyone who has ever served, Thank You!

5 Ways to Bring Sexy Back

Sorry for ripping off your title JT.

Has your sex life with your spouse dwindled down to a dull roar? Does the idea of sex with your spouse give you a "headache"? Here are 5 ways you can bring "sexy" back into your marriage.

1) Entice your spouse: Leave notes, whisper in your spouses ear how much you want them, and show affection through touch. Men are like light switches when it comes to getting turned on, but your wife needs a little bit more 'umph'... like a lawn mower on a cold day, she takes a little bit to get going. So, get the thought into your spouses head early in the day and keep it going til she's ready for some loving.

2) Have dates: Try and have time together (without the kids) where you and your spouse can date again. Go out to dinner or watch a movie and make it nice. All too often we get into the routine of going out to dinner with the kids in our blue jeans and calling that a date... it's not. Dress up, get your hair done, get your spouse flowers, wear sexy underwear... whatever. This is a date with the love of your life and make it good and keep in mind step 1 during the date (don't fight or argue, keep things calm, this is a date).

3) Get in shape: Get a gym membership, elliptical, treadmill, Pilate's, whatever... but start working out and it's amazing how much more attractive you begin to feel and look. Become more confident in yourself and it will do wonders for you with your spouse. If your spouse is working out, take notice and compliment them.

4) Show Affection and Appreciation routinely: Buy/pick flowers, buy/make a card, give your spouse a call from work. Let your spouse know that you love them. Tell them they're beautiful/handsome and remind them how great they look and how much they turn you on. Thank them for what they provide and bring to the table.

5) Communicate and Respect your spouse: Let them know your desires and try to spice things up a bit and let them know how you feel. Foreplay is important; you should be comfortable enough with one another to really communicate and improve your love-life by working together to satisfy each other, but respect each other when it comes to boundaries. Remember, Love is not self seeking, nor does it delight in evil, so never do or expect something that would cause you and your spouse to stumble in your walk with God (1 Cor 10, 1 Cor 13).

Remember, these are all things to consider with your spouse and not all inclusive, as I am assuming that your sex is dwindling due to time and not infidelity or other medical problems. If you are having other types of issues seek medical help or advice from counselors or pastors.

5 Levels of Needs

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Abraham Maslow, Motivation and Personality, 2nd ed., Harper & Row, 1970

In many of my blogs I mention fulfilling your spouses needs, and how communication, intimacy, affection, affirmation are all basic needs of your spouse. In my years going through communication, psychology, and organizational leadership training and classes, I've come across Maslow's Hierarchical needs on many occasions. How is this important to a marriage? People must have certain needs met, and part of your job as a spouse is to help your partner meet those needs. The above diagram is how I remember seeing it for the most part, but it has since expanded into 8 needs, but we'll stick to the 5 basic needs. The idea behind the pyramid is that the lower level needs must be fulfilled or our focus will be diverted to fulfilling them while forgetting about any levels above. This can be a problem in a marriage, especially since the need for love and relationships is on level 3 of the pyramid.

Level 1: Physiological Needs - These include hunger, thirst, sleep, and air, which are all basic needs that we need to survive. Sex has been added between the 1970 picture that I have shown and now, since it is now seen as a basic and necessary need and not just a desire. Obviously, the first set of needs are being provided by you working and "bringing home the bacon," but sex is just as basic of a need that is necessary to a persons essential being, (however not essential to living, it has shown health benefits) and plays an integral role in satisfying the basic needs in a marriage. Another aspect of physiological needs can be finances. To satisfy your hunger, thirst, and sleep areas of this need, you will need to ensure that provisions are in order and that the fear of losing the fulfillment of this need is not a problem. Sit down with one another and work out a budget, minimize spending, and get help if necessary, or this will be the only need on your mind until you get a little more stability in this area.

Level 2: Safety Needs - Your partner also needs some sort of security needs met, which can include physical security, but your spouse also wants to feel safe with you, and remain in a safe environment when you are together. If you remove them from a safe environment or make them feel unsafe when you get angry, you are taking away this basic need in their life. If you are having problems with a spouse that makes you feel unsafe, please get help (Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and if you are immediate danger dial 911). For further information visit http://www.ndvh.org/. If you live in a bad neighborhood, maybe installing an alarm system could help you feel safe and satisfy that need.

Level 3: Social Needs - You and your partner need to communicate with one another, but this also includes intimacy and affection as I've mentioned this in a previous blog. It's also important that you create contact, and show affection such as hugging and kissing. Your spouse needs to feel wanted and desired and that he/she belongs with you and that you belong with them. Your spouse needs an outlet, and it is best for your marriage if you provide them that basic need of conversation and affection within your marriage.

Level 4: Esteem Needs - This is where the mutual edification comes into practice that I mentioned in this blog under point number 3. This also includes recognition, which means more than just saying "Thank You", but showing true appreciation for what your spouse brings to the proverbial table. Your spouse also needs to know that you are attracted to them, that you think more of them than someone who makes the money, watches the kids, or takes out the trash to name a few.

Level 5: Self Actualization - In the final level of the pyramid, you and your spouse are able to realize or actualize their dreams. The idea is that need levels 1 through 4 have to be met prior to you and your spouse seeking to meet this highest level need. According to http://www.businessballs.com/maslow.htm only 2% of the worlds population ever attain this level. Don't hold your partner back from acheiving their dreams, so you must fulfill their basic needs first.

5 Steps to Prevent That Big Scarlett "A"

For those of you that have no idea what the "Scarlett Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne is, I'm referring to Adultery. In a previous blog, I mentioned that the biggest reason for divorce was the everyday little annoyances in life that just build up and deteriorate the foundation that you've built. We talked a little about that foundation and a few ways to make those arguments less of a yelling contest and more of a way to communicate your feelings with one another. However, Adultery is a problem and once something like that creeps into your marriage, it can rip your marriage apart. Most outside-of-marriage sexual encounters are not just one-night stands, they usually build up slowly with friends, acquaintances, or co-workers during rough times or when one spouse is seeking something they aren't finding at home, usually a basic need, so let's look at 5 measures you as a couple can take to prevent the big "A" before it starts:

1) Honest and Open Communication - "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully... for we are all members of one body (Ephesians 4:25)." Be honest, open, and communicate your feelings and needs with one another. If you need someone to talk to, talk to your spouse, and be there for each other. Try to fulfill that need and desire in your spouse to have an emotional bond with someone. (Refer to #2 on this blog for more on communication)

2) Set Time Aside for Love-Making - Don't neglect to have sex with each other, 1 Corinthians 7:3 says, "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband." I'm not saying that you have to have sex every day, but I would say a couple times a week, and at the least once per week; this is important, especially if one person has more of a sex drive than the other. 1 Corinthians 7:5 goes on to say, "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." I know couples who have gone long periods of time without sex, and in these situations it created a longing for human contact that they seeked to fulfill elsewhere. If you and your spouse haven't had sex in over a month, someone needs to take the initiative (be the bigger person) and have sex, better yet, make love! When you do come together, remove all distractions and find a time that will work for both of you (make time; your marriage is important). Make it meaningful and make it about the other person, especially if you want it to be more of a routine thing in your marriage.

3) Appreciation and Affirmation - Have together-time and tell your spouse how great they are. Your spouse needs affirmation and edification, they need to know that they still light your fire and that those passion flames are still burning for them. It is imperative to "... comfort each other and edify one another," as we should do per 1 Thessalonians 5:11. Some ways to show appreciation and affirmation to your spouse are to:

• Create contact - touch your spouses arm or leg, run your hands through their hair, hug each other.
• Create positive thoughts - give each other cards, leave notes, tell them thank you, say something nice, give them a call, an e-mail, a text message, and truly appreciate each other.
• Be Thankful - Be truly thankful for all that your spouse does for you, and show appreciation whenever possible. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Please don't overlook this step, this fulfills one of the lowest levels of our natural human needs; you do want to fulfill your spouses needs don't you?

4) Don't Set Yourself Up For Failure - Most extramarital affairs occur due to these types of situations where one partner opens up to someone other than their spouse who starts filling their basic needs. Don't confide in a friend of the opposite sex; your spouse should be your best friend, and you should be sharing everything with him or her. If you have a special connection with another person of the opposite sex, it breaks down the trust you have in one another and works to emotionally attach you to someone other than your spouse. It's very important to not allow yourself in the situation where you could compromise yourself and your morals, so don't spend time alone with members of the opposite sex. Confide in your spouse and if you are having issues, you should really talk to your spouse or seek counseling. You don't have to break all ties with your friends, but what is more important to you, the relationship you had with some girl or guy that is your "friend", or your spouse? I'm hoping your marriage is more important to you than a past friendship that will surely fade away in years to come.

5) Constantly think of your spouse and family (positively) - Think about those things that brought you toward your spouse (make a list if you have to). Remember the vows you made and what they mean to you; why should that change now? Keep your spouse and family in your thoughts and prayers as your family should be your number one priority. Harboring good thoughts all day long helps you keep those thoughts when you come home after a bad day at work. Similarly, if you have nothing but bad thoughts, that will also show through in your communication with each other and spark arguments and conflict.

These 5 steps will help you satisfy basic needs in your marriage, and help ensure these bonds are built with you and your spouse while strengthening these bonds.

I hope that all helps out... feel free to respond.