5 Important Aspects of Communication

I've mentioned communication before in both the building the foundation and conflict resolution blogs, and I'm mentioning it again, because open lines of communication between the husband and wife will help make your marriage-life flow smoother and reduce stress on the marriage. My inspiration for this section is from James 1:19, "...be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." Expanding off that, here are some ideas to help make your communication easier and better. Refer to both the previous blogs as they are helpful, but here are 5 important aspects of proper communication with your spouse:

1) Remove Barriers to Communication: Communication involves a sender, a receiver and a message. When talking with your spouse and things seem to get heated, it may be because one person is not receiving the message properly. There are multiple stumbling blocks that can interfere with the receiver properly hearing the message, ranging from voice, language barriers, and noise, but you need to adapt and overcome. The best way to communicate important issues is to set down face-to-face with no distractions. If you find times that your husband or wife is not getting your message, don't get upset, figure out what is blocking your message from your receiver and remove the obstacle if possible, or wait until an appropriate time when the distraction is no longer a problem. For instance, trying to talk when washing the dishes or vacuuming is a bad idea. If you are watching television mute or turn off the television if you have "important" things to say.

2) Actively Listen: Listening involves more than just hearing. Pay attention and let the message sink in, rather than just thinking of what you are going to say next. Communication should not be one sided, as it should involve two people, so if you find yourself controlling the conversation maybe it's time for you to switch to listening mode. Again, one person talks the other one listens and alternate.

3) Don't Interrupt: Give each other an ample amount of time to talk about something; one person talks the other one listens without interrupting. This goes along with rule 2, and do everything you can to not interrupt as this shows respect for the message that your partner is trying to convey, while interrupting just increases tensions. If you don't show respect, it's hard to receive it and hold people to not interrupting you when its your turn to speak. Remember the Golden Rule, Luke 6:31, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

4) Do not allow yourself to get angry: Try to remain calm and maintain the situation calm. If things get heated, cool down and try to discuss it after things settle down a little. "A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel," Proverbs 15:18.

5) Acknowledge the speaker: Show your partner that you are listening by actively participating in the conversation rather than just saying, "mmm hmm," try to provide some feedback that shows that you are not only hearing but have something to add, but remember rules 2 and 3. Proverbs 15:1, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Hope this helps... Feel free to respond and add to this conversation.

5 Rules for Conflict Resolution

Have you ever heard the Gretchen Wilson song "The Bed"? It talks about a woman lying in bed crying, just wishing that her husband would reach out to her, "if he'd just reach out she'd forget about all the times that he let her down, Oh but in his mind everything's all right when the lights go out," the lyrics go. When he finally does lean over in bed to say I love you, "... all he finds are pages full of words she'd never said."

Remember if you don't communicate your feelings and your spouse isn't getting a proper read on your body language, you've got to just come out and say what you're feeling and what is on your mind. One thing that has helped my wife and I with communicating about issues and distress is to agree on certain rules about arguments (or discussions). Top 5 rules to agree upon for conflict resolution with your spouse:

1) Make an agreement to not bring up past problems that have already been resolved; this is not necessary and just adds more problems during conflict resolution. The last thing you need when you are down is to be reminded that you forgot to take out the trash last week, especially when you are discussing what is bothering you now. You should've talked about the trash last week, not now.

2) Try to resolve the issue on the day that the issue occurs, not months down the road, so that everything is fresh in your mind rather than trying to rebuild the scenario over again because you've been stewing about it for a month and have allowed your mind to exaggerate the issue. Ephesians 4:26 states, "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold."

3) Give each other time to speak, take turns talking, and do not interrupt. Try to stay on subject and allow the other to respond before changing the subject. Don't keep repeating yourself. State the facts and talk about what is truly bothering you, then allow your spouse to respond and listen. Think about what you are going to say before you say it, it helps if you listen fully to what your spouse has said, let it sink in before saying something rash that you'll regret. "A wise man's heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction (Proverbs 16:23)"

4) Once all the facts are out there and your spouse knows how you are feeling and has been given a few minutes to respond, take time to ponder how the other person feels without talking and try to put yourself in your spouses shoes. Seriously contemplate this without any distractions if you can; this also allows you to cool down a little bit, which many times has opened up my eyes and my spouses eyes to the other person's point-of-view. Try to move on to step 5 before you go to bed that night; this is important, as without the final step this problem is not truly resolved and you will have a hard time following rule 1 and this issue will come up again if not fester and burn you up inside.

5) Apologize, forgive, and forget (don't bring it up again; see rule 1). You've just spent some time contemplating what was done, what you did, and what your spouse did. Where could you have done better, accept that, apologize, and try to change that aspect in your life (if you can). Accept the apology from your spouse and truly work in your heart and soul to forgive them.

These 5 rules to conflict resolution in a marriage have greatly helped me during those heated discussions. If both you and your spouse agree to follow these guidelines, your arguments will be fewer and will be resolved much easier.

5 Foundations to Building a Strong Marriage

Check out eharmony's research on the top reasons for divorce.
http://www.eharmony.com/labs/blog/2007/11/stay_married/

Can you believe that everyday issues were at the top of the list?

Don't let menial things destroy your marriage. You need to build your marriage on a proper foundation. Before you build a house, you have to lay the foundation. The same is true for a marriage as well. What is this foundation I'm talking about, read these 5 foundations of a healthy marriage to help prevent you from being a statistic.

1) Have realistic expectations: You can't just say, "I do" and expect magic to happen; you've got to have realistic expectations. Don't go into a marriage expecting to change the person or thinking that the person will change, because that is the person you are marrying and they're NOT going to change. You know who you're marrying now, don't be upset if they're still the same person 5 years from now. The marriage ceremony will not make your marriage better; a grandiose wedding ceremony does not equate to a better marriage. I've known people who spent hundred's of thousands of dollars and were divorced within 9 months; they couldn't even make it a year, so believe me a wedding ceremony doesn't make a better marriage. Think about what marriage is to you, ask your partner what they think marriage is. Talk about your notions and expectations before you decide to marry one another. Are your expectations realistic? Before things get too heated, read the next item.

2) Communication and Intimacy: I've heard the statement "God, gave you 2 ears and 1 mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you speak." There is a lot of truth to that, think about it, if you listened and truly listened to your spouse, how much more in-tune do you think you'd be to his/her emotions. Listening also gives you a chance to receive the true message that your partner is trying to convey; all too often the message is lost during transmission and we jump to conclusions before we've even finished processing the information. Listening doesn't involve just your ears either. How many times have you asked someone, "What's wrong," only to get a, "nothing" in response? If you only heard the word, “nothing” then you probably just said, “Okay,” and walked away. This may have worked when you were dating, but not-so-much now. There’s more to communication than just listening, if you’ve ever taken any sort of public speaking or communication classes then you may have heard of the 7-38-55% rule, where the words we say account for 7% of the message we are trying to convey, tone of voice accounts for 38%, and our gestures and actions actually make up over half of the message. Go back to the situation where you ask your husband or wife, “What’s wrong,” they say nothing. Look at their body cues and posture and their facial expressions; body-language is a huge component of communication.
I know this next part is probably not really thought of as communication, but we've just discussed that communication is 55% of body language, so I think that sex is a huge part of communication. How long would your marriage last if you and your spouse didn't talk for 1 month, or 3 months? On the same note, how long do you think it will last if you don't have sex for 1 month, 3 months, or even 9 months or more? No, you're right, but there are a lot of people that I know who try to make a marriage work without having sex with each other for months at a time, even years. It's no wonder things end disastrously. Men and women both need this sexual contact and intimacy with one another, so don't doom your relationship by turning down sex every night (especially out of anger or a fight), but there are times when you should agree to not have sex. It should be something that both partners want when having it, but every once in a while you've got to take one for the team and have sex, that is if you want your marriage to work. I've heard the excuse, we just don't have time, but I tell you that you need to make time, try to set up a date with each other for at least one night a week where you can spend this intimate time together and strengthen your lines of communication. Part of communication is listening and being in-tune with your partners needs and desires not just talking.

3) Congruent Belief-System or Moral Standards: I'm not saying that you both have to be Catholic, or whatever belief system you may be, but a lot of times problems start in the marriage when you have two different sets of belief systems. Especially when children are brought into the mix and one person wants to participate in certain rituals and rites that the other person may not hold dear. Here you have to really weigh why you want your child to go through a certain ceremony, or why not. If you aren't married and don't have kids, now would be a good time to talk about your expectations in these matters (see number 1 and while talking refer to number 2). Another important aspect of congruent belief-system is does your partner have the same idea about what marriage is, what about relationships outside of marriage? If you go into a marriage with a skewed idea of marriage and don't have the same moral standards when it comes to sexual relationships outside of marriage what will prevent this person from doing so. If you know where your partner stands on these certain issues then it shouldn't become a problem down the road. Remember, you can't change your partner, nor should you expect your partner to change after you are married. If your partner is an Atheist and you're a Protestant, don't expect your partner to all of a sudden start going to church with you, or quit going to church if you're the Atheist. You know who you're marrying this falls back on number 1 (don't expect your partner to change), so you should talk about where you stand on certain issues so that they shouldn't be a problem in the future; go through major components of your beliefs and moral code and discuss: marriage, sex, children, and anything that you think of that could be a problem. If your partner can't change that aspect of their life or come to some sort of compromise or there aren't any alternatives, and you're already married you will have adapt and overcome. If you're not married and no compromises can be met, maybe you should think about what type of toll this could put on your relationship in the future if this situation were to arise (remember you know your partner now, they will not change after you are married); you're not breaking God's covenant if you decide not to get married, it's better to back out before and be judged by people, then to back out after and be judged by God.

4) Unity: When two people become married, they should now act as 1. In Genesis, the bible speaks of 2 people leaving their parents, it uses the word cleave, which is to cut off. This means cut-off the ties and the reigns your parents had, as you are now your own family and are responsible only to each other and God. I'm not saying avoid your parents completely, but they shouldn't have any sort of rules over you and your spouse, and when you have problems, you should not seek them for comfort as this has many times turned one spouse against another; if you need to seek some help, find a pastor or counselor.

5) Self-Sacrifice and Submission: Now that you are a married couple you must quit putting yourself first and put your husband/wife first. You must submit to each other; no that doesn't mean to become their slave, but going back to communication, which is probably one of the most important aspects of making a marriage work, you must be in-tune with your partners needs and be willing to work with them and compromise toward satisfying each other. Not everything needs to be a compromise or a negotiation, but if you've ever taken communication classes or management classes you may have talked about negotiating; you are looking for the win-win situations in everything that you absolutely must "negotiate," but every once in a while you will have to take one for the team or compromise. That's what you are now as a married couple, a team. I don't know any teams that want to lose... I hope you aren't setting your team up for failure.

Please feel free to comment and add some value to the conversation.